Perfect Dib
by khssConker T
Summary: Dib becomes an Agent at the Conery Institute
1. Default Chapter

PERFECT DIB  
  
Note: This is a parody of Perfect Dark, blah, blah, blah! Anyway, Dib is the main character, so most of you Dib haters won't like this..  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Perfect Dark, I may actually own a gamepak, but that's not really owning Perfect Dark rights and other such.. Rare owns the Perfect Dark franchise, and so does Nintendo in a way.. I also don't own Invader Zim, is Jhonen Vasquez who owns the show and characters, also, because Nick is going to harass me, Nickelodeon is the self-proclaimed owner of Zim, darn jerks..  
  
Chapter 1: dataZim or zimDyne.. House thing or Lucern Zim House..  
  
Dib prepares to go over Zim's house. He grabs one of his dab's cloaking jackets, gets a video camera, an old taser, takes some tacos and puts them in his pocket, then walks up to Gaz.  
  
"Hey, Gaz, tell dad I'm out tonight or something, sense I'm gonna get some actual proof of Zim being an Alien!" Dib tells Gaz.  
  
"Fine, now just shutup! I'm still trying to finish GameSlave 2, but every time you interupt me, now go the hell away!" she yells.  
  
Dib looks at Gaz with an odd expression on his face and leaves heading towards Zim's house.  
  
*Meanwhile, at Zim's house, underground!*  
  
"Please obey Mini-Moose!" Zim yells..  
  
"I don't wanna blow things up!" Mini-Moose replies.  
  
"You soon will, or I'll have to put you threw mind conditioning!" Zim tells Mini-Moose.  
  
"GIR!" Zim yells..  
  
Gir suddenly falls down out of nowhere in front of Zim..  
  
"Gir, secure the perimeter outside the house, and make sure no-one comes in!" Zim yells.  
  
"Okie dookie!" Gir replies, then runs all the way upstairs and to outside of the house and leaves the door open..  
  
"Computer!" Zim yells.  
  
"What?" it replies, in its moaning voice..  
  
"Mind-condition Mini-Moose, make sure that after midnight time for this filthy planet's city, that your mind conditioning is complete." Zim tells the computer..  
  
"Fine.. Yeah, okay.. Ah huh.." the computer replies..  
  
"Oh my god! I forgot, GIR seems to always leave the door open.." Zim realizes, then takes the elevator up to ground level and closes the door..  
  
"Hmm.. Incase GIR leaves, I'll just stay here, whatching TV, because my ass aches.." Zim says, then picks up a remote and decides to whatch a show with humans dying and screaming..  
  
*Outside Zim's house, across the street..*  
  
"That pesky little robot will ruin my plans.. Unless, I, well duh, CLOAK!" Dib says to himself, then turns invisible..  
  
Dib walks across the street, then stands in front of Gir, who is bloking the door..  
  
"NONE MAY ENTER! I SEE YOU DIB!" Gir yells, then rockets, machine guns, plasma pistols, and some odd Irken Weapons pop out of Gir head aiming at Dib..  
  
Dib uncloaks.  
  
"Hmm.. Well, now to plan B. I was gonna eat, but I have no choice.." Dib thinks to himself, then he gets out the Tacos he had in his pocket in front of Gir..  
  
"Here they are, but you can only have them if you let me in!" Dib tells Gir, holding the taco in Gir's face..  
  
"Can't resist. I MUST HAVE OR MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE!" Gir tells Dib, then takes his taco and runs away..  
  
Dib gets out his taser and opens the door..  
  
*Inside Zim's house, Ground Level..*  
  
Dib walks in and Zim spots him..  
  
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Zim yells..  
  
"I'm Dib remember!" Dib replies to Zim..  
  
"Oh, right.. Well.. Feel the wrath of my IRKEN PISTOL!" Zim tells Dib, get out the weapon and starts firing with horrible accuracy and quits..  
  
Dib looks at Zim with an odd look on his face and shocks Zim unconscious with his taser..  
  
"Now time for actual proof of his existance.." Dib says with excitement, getting out a camera and taking pictures of Zim..  
  
"Now to photograph what is underground!" Dib thinks to himself, then enters Zim's kitchen and takes the elevator to Zim's underground base..  
  
*Underground, base thing of Zim's House.*  
  
The elevator goes down to the base level and stops. A broken lawn gnome lies on the floor doing nothing..  
  
Dib walks out of the elevator with his camera, and takes pictures of everything.  
  
"INTRUDER ALERT! Dib is here. Now guards, get him!" the computer yells..  
  
Lucky for Dib, the only guards were images on a screen, which couldn't hurt him in anyway.. Dib takes some more pictures and spots Mini-Moose..  
  
"What the hell!" Dib yells..  
  
"Zim is going to mind-condition me. I'm Mini-Moose.." Mini-Moose says..  
  
Dib takes pictures of Mini-Moose..  
  
"Wait, is it okay if you leave this place with me, right?" Dib asks..  
  
"Yes.." Mini-Moose replies..  
  
"You can't take him, I'm suppose to guard him.." the computer tells Dib..  
  
"Err.. Too bad.." Dib replies.  
  
"Okay, go and take him!" the computer replies..  
  
Dib and Mini-Moose enter the elevator and head to ground level..  
  
*Zim's house, ground level floor.*  
  
Dib exits the elevator and walks out of the kitchen..  
  
"SOUND THE ALARM! HE'S TRYING TO ESCAPE! HE HAS ME HOSTAGE!" Mini-Moose yells.. Suddenly, the lights go out..  
  
"You stupid, robot MOOSE!" Dib yells at Mini-Moose..  
  
Mini-Moose flies away from Dib and floats by Zim..  
  
"I guess mind conditioning isn't necessary Mini-Moose.. Now, Dib! Feel my wrath!" Zim yells.. Dib screams!  
  
Zim punches Dib in the face, takes his camera and smashes it to bits..  
  
"Lawn Gnomes, take care of the Earth larva!" Zim yells..  
  
Dib quickly cloaks..  
  
The Lawn Gnomes enter the room..  
  
"Foolish Dib, do you think the robots were programmed with regular Earth creature vision!" Zim says.. Then laughs..  
  
The lawn gnomes pick up Dib while he is cloaked, and throw him outside of Zim's house..  
  
*Outside Zim's house, not on the lawn, the sidewalk..*  
  
Dib uncloaks.. And lies on the ground..  
  
"GOD DAMN IT!" Dib yells..  
  
An old lady hears Dib and says "Do you kids always have to curse and have a foul mouth?"  
  
Dib pauses for a momment.. Then does nothing and the lady walks slowly away..  
  
Gir walks up to Dib and says "HELLO!" , then continues to walk and enters his master's house..  
  
Dib gets up off from the ground and decides to walk home, however on his way, a giant blue hover thing (err, the Jumpship from Perfect Dark) lands on the ground and people walk out, grab Dib, run back in the Jumpship, and take off with him..  
  
  
  
Er.. End of Chapter Thing.  
  
So what do you people think, did it suck? 


	2. Connery Institute Training

Parody- Will The Real DIB please stand up is parodying off of Mike Collin's THE REAL MTB  
  
Still Parody of Perfect Dark  
  
Copyrighted Characters-  
  
Daniel Carrington from Rare  
  
Grimshaw from Rare  
  
Foster from Rare  
  
All Invader Zim characters owned by Jhonen Vasquez  
  
Sean Connery copyrighted by himself (I think)  
  
Copyrighted Items-  
  
Falcon 2 from Rare  
  
CMP-150 from Rare  
  
Most Training Devices  
  
Guests So Far-  
  
Sean Connery pretending to be Daniel Carrington  
  
Back to the story:  
  
*The next day, at Dib's home.*  
  
"Where is your brother?" Professor Membrane asks Gaz.  
  
"He went to Zim's house." Gaz replies..  
  
"Hmm, nice to know he still spends time with his foreign friend.. Gaz, make sure he comes back the day after tomorrow morning.." Professor Membrane finishes, then leaves..  
  
Gaz pretends she never heard her dad and continues to play her GS2.  
  
*At the Connery Institute, 9:30 AM.*  
  
Dib sits in a chair with a straight jacket on..  
  
"This is kidnapping you know.." Dib says, knowing someone is whatching him, while he looks at the door..  
  
The door opens and SEAN CONNERY walks out.. No, not with James Bond clothing, just some odd, well, the same darn clothing Daniel Carrington wears..  
  
"Who are you, and why the hell did you kidnap me?" Dib asks.  
  
"I am Sean Connery, founder of the Connery Institute, I plan all missions for my agents, and I run each operation direct from a link in my office.. And I wasn't suppose to tell you that.." Sean Connery tells Dib..  
  
"You still didn't answer my question on why you kidnapped me.." Dib tells Sean Connery..  
  
"Well you see Dib.. I kidnapped you because." Sean Connery thinks for a minute..  
  
"LOOK YOU OLD.. man.. I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME SITTING IN THIS CHAIR! Besides, I need to see what Zim is up to.." Dib tells Sean.  
  
"GRIMSHAW!" Sean Connery yells..  
  
A man with a beard walks in the room (sorry, but that's as descriptive as I'll get)..  
  
"Whaaaaat?" Grimshaw moans.  
  
"Tell the large headed boy why we kidnapped him, then tighten his straight jacket.." Sean Connery tells Grimshaw..  
  
Grimshaw walks up to Dib..  
  
"Well you see.. DIB.. My boss' friends said you knew too much, so we had to kidnap you!" Grimshaw tells Dib..  
  
"That's it! You kidnapped my friends because I knew too much of something! That's just stupid! Besides, kidnapping is illegal and I have no idea what you are talking about!" Dib tells Grimshaw and Mr. Connery.  
  
"Well, you see, Dib, my friends, aren't anyone's everyday friends.." Sean Connery tells Dib..  
  
"What? Is it that they are some special Extra Terristrial Aliens?" Dib asks sarcastically..  
  
"See, I told you he knows TOO MUCH!" Grimshaw yells, then runs behind Dib and tightens the straight jacket..  
  
"Well, the only solution is to kill him.."  
  
"NO!" Dib yells  
  
"Or to make him an agent of the Connery Institute.." Sean finishes  
  
"Wait a second.. That isn't right, why the hell would you need someone my age to become an agent?" Di asks  
  
"We don't, but you have to, and to become an agent you must succeed through tough training, and if you fail, we will erase your memory, but sense we don't know which part of the brain to erase, well erase everything except for that area on how to walk, because we only know about the part! THANKS TO THE DAMN CHEAP SYSTEM WE HAVE!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
"Although all the woman from this Institute are on strike, Grimshaw will be the training substitute, except for the Target Range, Foster is always in charge of that.." Sean Connery tells Dib.  
  
"Why are the woman on strike?" Dib asks..  
  
"They are complaining about some man named Daniel Carringt-, none of your business.. Now get going!" Sean Connery replies..  
  
Grimshaw picks up Dib and runs downstairs to the Simulation Training Room!  
  
"Okay Dib, pass all seven tests and you pass the, SIMULATION TRAINING! Now prepare for doom!"  
  
Grimshaw yells, throwing Dib into the middle of the room, the running out of it and locking the doors preparing for Dib's Simulation Test!  
  
"First Simulation, LOOK AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN!" Grimshaw yells..  
  
A giant Computer Screen appears in front of Dib..  
  
"Success!" Grimshaw yells..  
  
"That was too easy, what kind of training was that?" Dib asks.  
  
"It gets harder! Besides, you are in a straight jacket still! Simulation 2, press any key!" Grimshaw yells..  
  
A keyboard and a computer appears in front of Dib, then he puts his foot on the keyboard.  
  
"Oh, now try Simulation 3! Avoid the laser and hit the 2 Switches!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
Lasers surround Dib and 2 switches appear in front of him..  
  
"Do you think I'm inbred or something? Because I am almost half way threw this simulation course and so far everything has been easy! And what are the lasers for if the switches are right in front of me!" Dib yells, then hits the two switches with his feet..  
  
"Err.. The lasers were suppose to scare you, now, do Simulation 4, hit the cardboard cut out!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
A cardboard cutout of Zim appears in front of Dib, then Dib jumps at it and tears it to pieces with his teeth!  
  
"Err.. I liked that cutout, but anyway, Simulation 5, hit the simulation of a human in the balls!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
A simulant that looks like a human stand infront of Dib..  
  
"No, I can't." Dib says..  
  
"You can, bite him or head butt him!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
"NO!" Dib replies.  
  
"Then you'll be stuck in the simulation forever!" Grimshaw replies  
  
"Fine.. DAMN IT!" Dib yells, then bangs his head in the simulant testicle area!  
  
"Success, now training 6, Defeat all the opponents by touching them, and don't get hurt!" Grimshaw yells..  
  
Suddenly, 8 simulations of humans appear, they all run up to Dib, then die!  
  
"What the hell was that! Look, I went through all the training of this simulation room except for the last one, and the only hard was so far was wear I had to hit that thing in the balls.. Do you really think that I'm so stupid that I need training this useless!" Dib yells..  
  
"Err.. Training 7, will the Real DIB please stay alive and stand up, please stand up!" Grimshaw yells..  
  
"What the hell do you mean?" Dib asks..  
  
Suddenly, 7 simulations of Dib and 1 of Gaz appear, and music is heard, then they all get out AR53 Assualt Rifles.  
  
"Oh crap.." Dib says, then trips and falls to the floor, and the simulations put away the guns.  
  
"May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please! Will the real DIB please stand up!" Simulation 1 of Dib says..  
  
"I repeat!" Simulation 2 of Dib yells.  
  
"Will the real DIB please stand up!" Simulation 3 of Dib yells.  
  
"Okay, we are gonna have a problem here.." Simulation 1 & 4 of Dib say..  
  
"What the hell is going on?" Dib asks.  
  
"Don't act like you never saw an alien freak before!" Simulation 5 of Dib yells.  
  
"The one that spies on Zim all the time like no-else therefore!" Simulation 6 of Dib yells.  
  
"Oh no you don't believe Zim is an alien you dumb whore!" Simulation 7 of Dib yells.  
  
"But who gives a damn, I'm still by Zim much ahead!" Simulation 4 of Dib yells.  
  
Dib stands up, then all the simulations get out AR53 Assualt Rifles, then Dib sits down and all the Simulation's weapons disappear.  
  
"Does he have the return ah" Simulation 1 stops..  
  
"This is stupid, god, when will it end, I feel like I'm dead!" Dib yells.  
  
"Oh god, why do you have to have such a big head!" Simulation of Gaz yells.  
  
"Then I went up to Gaz and she said!" Simulation 6 of Dib yells.  
  
"I don't care what you say, you are still annoying as hell and you always have to yell, now go away and be quite!" Simulation of Gaz yells.  
  
"My favorite show must be Msyterious Mysteries!" Simulation 3 of Dib yells.  
  
"Whatever you do, don't make stories where Zim, Gaz, or any males are sleeping with me!" Simulation 2 of Dib yells.  
  
"Make sure I don't have sex with them either and that's the way it should be!" Simulation 7 of Dib yells.  
  
"Cause I'm DIB and all the other DIB's are Dib wannabes!" Simulation 1 of Dib yells.  
  
"So will the real DIB please stand up! Please stand up! Please stand up!" Simulation of Gaz yells.  
  
"Cause I'm the DIB, yes I'm the real DIB and the others are just Dib wannabes, so will the real DIB please stand up, please stand up, please stand up!" Simulation 5 of Dib yells.  
  
The Gaz Simulation gets out the AR53 Assualt Rifle and mows down Dib Simulation 5!  
  
"Cause I'm the DIB, yes I'm the real DIB and the others are just Dib wannabes, so will the real DIB please stand up, please stand up, please stand up!" Simulations 3,4, 6, and 7 yells..  
  
Simulation Gaz inserts a new clip, then mows down those Dibs with AR53 lead..  
  
"Cause I'm the DIB, yes I'm the real DIB and the others are just Dib wannabes, so will the real DIB please stand up, please stand up, please stand up!" the last simulations yell!  
  
Gaz mowes the last pair down..  
  
Dib stands up..  
  
"Thanks simulation of GAZ, they were--"  
  
Gaz begins to shoot at Dib, but just before the bullets are about to hit him, the bullets disappear and so does the Simulation of Gaz.  
  
"SUCCESS! You passed the simulation course!" Grimshaw yells, then unlocks the door..  
  
"What was the point of that last test?" Dib asks.  
  
"Er, no time to answer that now, you must go to your next course, the FIRING RANGE!" Grimshaw yells, then runs into the room, picks up Dib, and runs out to the Firing Range.  
  
*Near the Firing Range.*  
  
Grimshaw places Dib on the ground in front of Foster.  
  
"Hey! He can't go in the firing range with that straight jacket on!" Foster yells  
  
Grimshaw takes the straight jacket off of Dib..  
  
"Okay, um, there, are you happy!" Grimshaw tells Dib and Foster.  
  
"Actually, no.. This whole idea of me becoming an agent is stupid enough, can't I just leave, no one will believe me if I tell them about this place anyways.." Dib replies.  
  
"He needs a helmet, size EXTRA HUSKY!" Foster yells, then gets one out and puts it on Dib's head.  
  
Grimshaw pushes him into the Firing Range and locks the door behind bullet- proof glass..  
  
"Okay, only 2 weapons are available, you must succeed with both!" Foster yells..  
  
A robot arm gives Dib a Falcon 2 Pistol.  
  
"Is it really a smart idea to give a gun to someone like me?" Dib asks.  
  
"Sure, now hit the pillar in front of you!" Foster yells.  
  
A pillar pops in front of Dib and he fires the Falcon 2 with recoil  
  
"You hit the pillar! Success!" Foster yells.  
  
"Why is that pillar part of the test? I could easily do that again with my glasses off!" Dib yells.  
  
The robot arm takes the Falcon 2 in Dib's hand, then gives Dib a CMP-150..  
  
"Now shoot a piece of moving cardboard! Remember, you can lock on with this gun!" Foster speaks through a microphone.  
  
A cardboard cutout of Richard Simmons pops in front of Dib, he re-acts quickly and shoots the head off of the cardboard cutout!  
  
"Success, you've completed the Firing Range!" Foster yells.  
  
The robot arm grabs the CMP-150 from Dib.  
  
Grimshaw runs into the firing range, picks up Dib, and runs upstairs to the Device Training Room!  
  
*Device Training Room.*  
  
Grimshaw places Dib on the floor!  
  
"Okay, like the Training Simulation Room, the female instructor is on strike.. Now, lets see what I have to do.." Grimshaw tells Dib.  
  
"Here's the first device! Batteries!" Grimshaw tells Dib, getting them out..  
  
"I already know how to use batteries!" Dib yells.  
  
"But these are special batteries, they can have a solar power recharge!" Grimshaw tells Dib..  
  
"What do I do with them to go to the next training.." Dib asks.  
  
"Put them in the Hacking Uplink on that table!" Grimshaw tells Dib..  
  
Dib grabs the batteries and puts them in the Hacking Uplink..  
  
"I have a question, are all the agents still alive?" Dib asks..  
  
"Why of course.. Wait, no. I think all that's left is that crazy guy, the scary kid, and some other people.." Grimshaw tells Dib.  
  
"Very descriptive.." Dib answers sarcastically, then puts the batteries in the Hacking Uplink..  
  
"Now, use the Hacking Uplink on the computer next to me, it may be hard, but you have to push a certain button, so it may take a while!" Grimshaw tells Dib.  
  
"What is so hard about pushing a giant button labelled and in fact, it's the only button!" Dib yells, as he pushes it in front of a computer..  
  
"Er, right, next device! Door Decoder! Use it on a door!" Grimshaw tells Dib..  
  
Dib puts it on a door and it opens, but just before he gets a chance to run away, Grimshaw grabs him and yells "Success!"  
  
"This is an R-Tracker, use it to find me!" Grimshaw tells Dib, handing it to him..  
  
"But you are right in front of me!" Dib replies.  
  
"Success again.. Next Device, Night Vision!" Grimshaw tells Dib, handing him the goggles, then Grimshaw walks up to a light switch and turns the lights off.  
  
Dib walks up to the light switch without bothering to use Night Vision and turns the lights on.  
  
"Here is an IR Scanner, you can find secret doors and people cloaked.. But I forget if there was a door or not.. So tell me if someone is cloaked.." Grimshaw tells Dib, then hands over the IR Scanner.  
  
"No one is cloaked!" Dib replies..  
  
"I know.. Now, use the X-Ray Scanner to tell me what kind of boxers I am where!" Grimshaw tells Dib..  
  
"I already have an X-Ray Scanner, well, Organ Scanner, so there's no difference, except of course colors and such." Dib replies..  
  
"Oh, okay, now, here is an ECM Mine, um, eh, stick it on my face!" Grimshaw tells Dib, handing it over to Dib.  
  
"Are you sure?" Dib asks..  
  
"LOOK, I'M THE SUBSTITUTE! DO WHAT I SAY!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
Dib throws the ECM Mine on Grimshaw's face.  
  
"Err.. Now use the Cam Spy to go outside and take a picture of the women on strike's panties!" Grimshaw yells, then gives Dib the Cam Spy..  
  
"You, jerk.. Why do I have to do it! Why not just take a picture of a room or something?" Dib asks.  
  
"Errr.. No, now do what I said!" Grimshaw tells Dib.  
  
Dib controls the Camspy to go outside and takes pictures of a female on strikes' panties.  
  
"Yay!" Grimshaw replies..  
  
"Um, how do you know what's going on with that ECM Mine on your face?" Dib asks.  
  
"No questions, now fool me into giving you the Cloaking Device with this Disguise that look's like Neo's Clothing!" Grimshaw tells Dib, then hands him clothing..  
  
"This is stupid, you know who I am.." Dib tells Grimshaw.  
  
"DO IT OR ELSE, I'll give you a criminal record!" Grimshaw replies..  
  
Dib puts on the clothing..  
  
"Oh, hello NEO, now here is the cloaking Device.." Grimshaw tells Dib..  
  
Grimshaw hands it to Dib.  
  
"SUCCESS!" Grimshaw yells.  
  
"Shouldn't this training point out the importants of each device, and what the hell was that?" Dib asks  
  
"Now use the Cloaking Device!" Grimshaw tells Dib, handing it to him..  
  
"I know what it does, and I know how to use it.. BECAUSE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE IS THE DAMN POWER BUTTON!" Dib yells..  
  
Sean Connery walks in the room.  
  
"Well Dib, you training is now complete!" Sean Connery tells Dib..  
  
"Okay, can I leave now!" Dib whines..  
  
"Yes, we will call you when we need you, now walk home, which is 32 miles away from here.." Sean Connery tells Dib.  
  
"Can't I just use that blue ship thing to go home?" Dib asks.  
  
"No, you can't use the Jumpship Dib.." Sean Connery replies..  
  
"YOU JERK!" Dib replies, walking out of the room...  
  
*The next morning at Dib's home, 11:42 AM.*  
  
"Hmm.. He still isn't home.." Professor Membrane thinks to himself..  
  
The door opens and Dib walks in..  
  
"Okay son, what happened to you?" Professor Membrane asks.  
  
"Well you see dad, two nights ago, I was going to Zim's house as usual, then he kicked me out, after that, I was kidnapped because of a man named Sean Connery--"  
  
"Okay son, that's enough.. I thought you were going to discover the meaning of real science, but you still haven't, oh well.. Also, where did you get that helmet?" Professor Membrane tells his son  
  
"Well, ah forget it.." Dib replies, realising he never took the helmet off from the firing range..  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
Poll:  
  
Perfect Dark's Maians (a.k.a. The Greys)  
  
Or  
  
Meekrob  
  
Choose which ally assistance for Dib? 


End file.
